Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Beginning, Middle and Possibly the End of Missing Someone

I remember reading "The End of Missing Someone" online, maybe it was pinterest. It was heart-achingly accurate. But I wondered what about the beginning of missing someone or the dirty prism puddle middle, or the near end when you're so over it but a text, a call or a message sends you over, over, over the edge. 

You left in September and I thought I beat the system. I was angry and a little sad for a day but I felt strong. You were gone and that was okay. You were there, I am here. Life goes on. I started driving to my favorite seaside towns to take pictures. Pictures of tree lined avenues, of independent bookstores, of yellow paths. I loved September drenched in fresh Autumn. I instagrammed pumpkins in the 1977 filter. I'll be honest, I took a couple of selfies but tried my hardest to make it look like someone took them, that I was with someone else. But it was just me and my camera and a cup of coffee. I found company in books and coffee and pictures and driving. I was fine, I was working on my photography I said. I noticed I hadn't seen many of my friends and my life without you left gaps of alone time I tried to fill with creativity. 

It was when, on an October morning I got breakfast. I ordered a tofu scrambler by myself and noticed all the couples sitting at tables that I missed you. I wondered what you would order if you were here. We both loved breakfast. I tried all different kinds of cream cheeses and bagels because of you, and I'd like to think I helped you fall in love with the croissant. We'd adventure for breakfast. I missed the frantic drive for breakfast, the debate on where to go and what to eat. The serious thought process we put into it and how happy we were when we finally sat down and ate our breakfast (usually bagels). I caught myself driving the highway listening to music, but without you, it wasn't as fun. You loved to drive, drive, drive all night. You said it was a sign of bipolar. I didn't know if it was true but I liked being your passenger. We'd talk about towns. You loved Cheshire. I loved Madison. We'd debate over what towns were richer. You knew every town in Connecticut and I listened and asked a thousand questions. I wanted to know every nook and cranny of each town. I wanted to know and discover and learn with you. I missed when you'd hug me and call me shorty. I am not short but you were taller than me and it made my heart swell. I thought it was cute when I'd come to your apartment and you were in a stage where you were reading library books. You quoted from Raymond Chandler, "Her eyes large and dark and empty as rain barrels in a drought' and said it reminded you of me. Looking back, I'm not sure if that was a compliment. But it made me swoon.

Around Halloween it got too cold to take pictures. I put away my camera for only the sporadic warm days. I started noticing your absence but also realizing I enjoyed it. I felt healthier now that you were gone. We drank too much and stayed up too late, arguing. I bet you quoted that rain barrel eye thing to other girls. Oh, and the girls. So many girls. Our summer had some magical parts, but still you always held some delirious resentment toward me. A vicious one. That's how I'd describe you, vicious. The things you'd say when you were angry didn't just make me mad it would flatten me out on my bed, staring and blinking away wild tears. You knew how to hurt me, how to degrade me with your words. Our fights kept escalating and so did our drinking. I know I had a part in it to, of course. I felt for so long I let you bad mouth me to girls, your co-workers,your friends, to me until I stood up for yourself. It was a toxic mix, you and I at times. Drunk on cheap beer, summertime and that thing between a relationship and friendship where there are rules but no rules and everyone is mad and jealous and sad. It got to the point looking in the mirror my eye was dark and blue and I remember sitting in my office with the lights off. I wanted all the lights off. I wanted to be off this plane of reality. I could've cried a thousand days. I hated you but in some twisted way I still loved you. You could make me laugh like no other, I'd be in tears. We had a weird sense of humor. But my laughter started to break. I remember when I could barely open my eye but I saw you texted a girl saying she was pretty. I darted out of your apartment into the crazy New Haven night into my car and sped off. My heart was racing. I hated you. Those memories made me not miss you. Fuck you. Stay gone. And when I saw you had a girlfriend, I thought - well fuck her too. That was the end of missing you. 

But it wasn't. December has a way of reminding us everything that has transpired. I can say 2014 was a good year with some heavy things but I always feel nostalgic. My anger toward you was like carrying around duffle bags through all of Chicago O'Hare every single day. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to let the past go. The things you did. The things I did. I had to be at peace with breakfast alone and driving alone. I only drink on Fridays and feel healthier. I came to the point where I didn't miss you on my trips to different towns or eating a new bagel. I thought, I bet he'd like this. I let my jealousy and anger toward your girlfriend go. I was never that girl to tear another girl down like that anyway. If you and I couldn't be happy then why couldn't you be happy with someone else? Because there was a time you made me happy. You did. We had our time in the sun; under the cherry blossoms; running down yellow and red autumn roads and in blizzards. We had our bagels and our inside jokes and our schemes for businesses and the name of our future daughter picked out. We had our time and it had come and gone. And I was okay with it. I was okay with how much I had loved you, I wish I could've loved you better and you could've too, but those were things we had to learn. So we could keep loving, keep moving, keep living.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Morning Meditations: Mindfulness

{I've taken a vacation away from my blog. I was working two jobs then settled into my new one but have felt exhausted each work day and to escape to beautiful places on the weekends and live life, not just write about it. Hopefully this blog entry marks the end of my exile and the start of a series called Morning Meditations based on a book I bought)

This past Sunday I went on a solo excursion to the beautiful town green of Guilford, CT.I went and wandered the bookstore, Breakwater Books, a lovely independent bookstore that's been open since 1972. After I grabbed The Great Gatsby I found  Morning Meditations: Daily Reflections to Awaken Your Power to Change. After purchasing them I headed to the green on this beautiful Autumn day and leafed through the books. 

So relaxing and peaceful. The first chapter of Morning Meditations dealt with: Mindfulness and asked 2 Questions:
1)How do you plan to use the book to change your daily experience of life?
I want it to not just sit on my shelf, collecting dust. I want it to be a guide for life that I can look through and make me think about positivity and positive steps in life. I want to serve as a paperback anchor. to keep me grounded and also make me realize wisdom is boundless. 

2)Are you willing to make a commitment to the pages of this book to examine your life and be open to changing it for the better? 
Absolutely. Committing to an open heart, to positive change, to a better life, to peace. Yes, all of the above.

On the topic of Mindfulness: What are some things you feel you should be more mindful of in your life?

Monday, September 1, 2014


You can fall in love and it can be messy and hurtful and it can leave you wondering what you're doing in your life as you sit in the car in the pouring rain - that's always a place you hide and think. It's so easy to blame the other person,but why are you trying to make a home out of hurt? Why chose discord over serenity. There's a part of you that chooses to lose yourself in the mosaics. When you realize it, you can still believe in love. But you also believe in happiness and kindness and better days and that love doesn't break your spirit it only enhances it. 

Saturday Wedding under the sun

My cousin got married Saturday. It was very relaxing, lots of barefeet in grass, music in the background. No pretense or frills. It's nice to see the union of love under the sunlight while everyone is in comfortable clothes and just there to enjoy the time!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Etsy Finds!

 From the delicate charm necklaces to beautiful headbands, you can find one of a kind pieces on Etsy! I haven't shopped there in awhile but today I was prerusing and wanted to share my favorites!

I'm loving this Great Gatsby-inspired headpiece. Perfect for costume parties or just dressing up an outfit.

I adore this intricate cherry blossom pendant. So feminine and beautiful.
{via: emmagemshop }

Gorgeous flower crown with peach accents and baby's breath.

Loving this cute Johnny Cash fleece sweatshirt! 
{via: BijouBuys }

Very cute sweatshirt for the coffee, mountain & cabins gal in your life!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Stony Creek & Thimble Island Cruise

This past Saturday U was invited on the Sea Mist, the Thimble Island Cruise again for my friend's birthday. I absolutely love being down at Stony Creek and the cruise was beautiful. Seeing all the gorgeous homes and and the sunset as we sailed around was a dream.

Thimbleberry is right by the Stony Creek docks and serves up fresh ice cream and coffee! 

This is me before we set a sail!

Thimble Island (I did use filtering on this photo)

No filtering used when I snapped these pictures of the gorgeous docks at Stony Creek. The grey clouds gave an ominious tone but we lucked out with no rain!

On the cruise - beautiful visions

Me, I look photoshopped into this picture, but I'm not. I wish I smiled!!

Learn more about the  Thimble Island Cruise & The Thimbleberry

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

How to Make Your Own Pixie Party

Whether it's for a baby shower, bridal shower, birthday party or just for the hell of are some ideas to create your own magical, pretty pixie party!

Glitter ombre champagne bottles set a sparkling mood

Set up tea time for invitees complete with fresh pink roses, pearls and heart shaped sugar cookies.

Serve pretty pink parfait out of glasses with gold dust rims.
{via: Cake Central }

                          Heart balloons and/or pink tulle over balloons add a feminine touch to the party. 

White lights always add a mystical, magical touch.