Tuesday, August 23, 2016

{learning}




I was going to start this off by saying how my favorite roads/avenues are winding ones- but that’s not necessarily truly. I love those quiet avenues that are tree-lined so when you look up in the Autumn months you feel you are underneath a canopy of scarlet and tangerine and fresh green or in the Spring you see all the pink and red and white blossoms. I love roads with big, unique houses with climbing roses. They don’t have to be winding roads though – so there goes my idea to tie in my love of winding roads into how life is. 

I try to always evolve, always learn. Sometimes we learn amazing things that leave us bright-eyed and our hearts full. Sometimes we learn things about ourselves, the dark parts that we maybe we hide away but are there. The sad parts. We have them no matter if we deny them or not. I’ve learned things recently, some I’ve already known but they seem to be in bold font for me now. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can’t.

1) I have no patience for movies. I have a hard time watching movies unless it’s a movie that’s tried and true (Dirty Dancing, Almost Famous, etc). I’d rather be listening to music or dancing around the kitchen or writing or walking. Or anything but devoting my time to something I don’t care about. But when I do fall in love with a movie or tv series I want to know everything. I will Wikipedia and google it. I’ll learn the most I can. But it comes so rare. I’ve always been that way but somehow that impatience has gotten worse and I’m okay with it. 

2) I truly believe if you love me you know my favorite song (and I would know yours). I ask everyone I care about (whether it’s a friendship or relationship:)What is your favorite song? Most people say they don’t just have one. But the first song they come up with, I remember that. If you know someone’s favorite song you know a piece of them. You don’t have to like that song but you know something that makes me sway and gives them a glint in their eyes. 

3) As I get older, I’ve been obsessed with having a “life plan”. I know the things I want to be and do, but there are certain aspects I’m still unclear on. It makes me panic. I also know that unsolicited advice never, ever helps. It just doesn’t. Maybe this is my part of the path where things feel alive and beautiful but still misty around certain bends of the road. I’m hoping that’ll all clear one day. I have faith. Still working on the patience part (see #1)

4. Girls stop doing that thing where you see a pretty girl in a short dress thinking “Bitch”. Because in my head sometimes as much as I try have that inclining to want to be a hater and I hate it. It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help her. It doesn’t help anyone. It’s so ingrained in us and I will devote more time to undoing all of the bullshit society tells us. That goes for all women- big, small, short dress maxi dress, whatever. It’s not good and holds us back. I remind myself of this often. It takes time.
Other than that, I learned to live in the moment. I overthink and it only causes problems. If you love someone, tell them even if it’s awkward. If you feel you need to leave then leave. Answers don’t just fall in your lap but over time you get a better sense of who you are and the direction you want to go in life. Fuck anyone who doesn’t understand. It’s your life. That’s all recycled nonsense we see everywhere but it’s true.
If you read all this thank you. I felt inspired today to write about the things I’m learning. It’s a process.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

{healing is not linear}




I re-posted the quote "Healing is not Linear" and my friend Jen commented it goes in spirals. How true that is. Grief changes - it can be a storm or it can be a quiet wave. Losing people, whether it through death or breakups or distance - that loss is felt. The first time I told someone my dad died without crying, when I told them the whole story - how he had Leukemia and passed only 2 weeks later and through that whole time I didn't know he was sick -- and I didn't cry, I knew I healed a bit. I thought, I survived this. I can keep going forward now.
My last breakup hurt. Sometimes there doesn't have to be any drama for someone to walk away. I walked away because I felt I was losing myself. That journey of walking away crushed me. There were places we went - little tucked away diners or used bookstores we'd laugh in, or argue in or hold hands. Whether it was good or bad: those places were ours. Driving by them made me sad. When I first heard a song we both loved and didn't burst into tears -I told myself: I have started to heal. Let me keep moving forward.
Then there are the spirals. There are days when Tears in Heaven comes on the radio and I pull over crying so hard I feel like the sea fell out of my eyes. Like a fatherless mermaid stuck on land. There are days someone brings up Halloween and I think about the wedding I was planning and I change the subject. When I got the deposit back from our venue, I burst into tears. Here was the finality of it all in a check. It was tangible and it hurt like hell.
There are days of healing and days we spiral. But inside that spiral of grief we are getting closer to the thing that breaks our heart over and over and over again and getting closer to finding peace.

{my life in pictures}


 I read Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Theresa Ann Fowler and fell in love with all things 1920's. This book, Rules of Civility has so far not been a disappointment. 



 Not only are packaging super girly and pretty, but these soaps smell amazing! 

 At Riverdale Campground in Clinton, CT




My tumblr!





Friday, August 5, 2016

Jamison Daniels "So Ya Wanna be A Broadway Star"

It's always great to meet creative, bright, happy people. They make the world funnier and lighter! Please check out Jamison Daniel's website and his original web series "So Ya Wanna Be a Broadway Star"?- he's quite a talent!!



Wednesday, August 3, 2016

{happy}



I've been inside sadness. I know grief - standing in a black dress on a hot July day with a red, red rose and your father's casket being lowered in the ground. I don't feel it's in mine or anyone's best interest living inside the sadness, carrying it around letting it manifest to anger and resentment.  Why live in a dark tunnel when you can experience all the colors, all the feelings, the languages, all the views, all the shores and mountains?

I'll never let anyone make me feel stupid for being positive. I've been sad. I've been in the rain. All I have is hope in better days. Some people want to live under the dark clouds, but I refuse to. I'll be my own sunshine.