Thursday, July 21, 2016

{nostalgia}






I wrote this a year ago, secret pages I kept to myself folded and forgotten. It struck a chord with me. It's not the same nostalgia, it's different things I wax poetic about now. Other experiences and songs and adventures that swirl in my mind like a dizzying summer carousel. Sometimes I feel disconnected from all of it, then the waves hit me. I remember. The shells are all over me.


A Year Ago:

This morning I was driving and a bridge was closed so I had to take an alternate route. I got a little lost but I had plenty of time and the music was on and I didn't mind. In that time, I stopped by the water and thought about last year. I thought how I was with someone in a bagel shop and how we'd always people watch. Sometimes nostalgia hits me like a panic attack and it's hard to breathe, to realize all that time has gone, that person is gone, the person who I was is gone. I remember everything: somethings break my heart, others make my heart heavy. Night time car rides listening to music and talking about geography and life, Walking around Yale during the summer taking pictures, Going swimming at night, or our excursions where we'd explore new places and take pictures and think of ideas to make us rich. I remember all those things but they are all images, thoughts, parts of my past that shaped my future. My life is calm, I've grown up. The waves have mellowed with time. But every now and then I remember the beauty and power of being inside that storm. All the colors, all the things that your heart feels but human language has no words for.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

{heavenly}








I believe we use "heavenly" to describe the best of things because heaven is full of our best, brightest loved ones that passed -heaven must be the most magical of places.
Dad, I miss you a lot this year.I felt you helped me stay strong but I can only imagine how heavenly it'd be to be in your presence getting advice and laughing.
Love you.
4.18.55-7.14.95 (where does the time go?)


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

{a golden moment}




Today, during those bright moments between morning and afternoon I was walking with my face toward the sunlight and I felt free. 
This is my journey. Like languages or emotions, some may not understand it, but it's my own. Something I can call mine.
I am building my life not around anyone but for myself, now. I am building up, skyward. 


"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.” - Walt Whitman 



Sunday, July 10, 2016

{just dive in}






Lately, my confidence has been waning. I look in the mirror sometimes, with nostalgia haunting me. It's like the most beautiful Victorian house covered in teacups and dust, ivy-lined windows and sad ballerinas in music boxes and I just can't shake the feeling of being inside, with beautiful memories and dark memories racing through my mind and heart. 

I've walked through the briars. I've walked through the fire. My self doubt creeps in and it's not fair for me or anyone around me to live like that. I'm on the mountainside with the wildflowers and the wind and the ocean looks so lovely in July.

Just dive in.

And I am. I'm going all in.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Life Path






Weeks ago, a co-worker was talking about needing to remove his ex-wife’s name off his arm. She had an unusual name and I looked it up and meant “life path”. Life path. Those two words spoke to me in bold and underlined. Our lives take twists and turns and I think like many people, I want my life path to be full of love and adventure, health and wealth and happiness (and yes, flowers). I never met someone on my life path who wanted to break anyone’s heart. I know what it’s like to have my heart crushed, left crying in an unfamiliar city and state. I know what it’s like to cry in my car by the Stony Creek docks hoping this pain would end. And it did. I never ever want to hurt anyone and sometimes on our life path we do. We love, we hurt, we leave, and we arrive. On my life path, I’m only getting stronger and more courageous. We all make decisions based on what we believe will be our best life path. I feel a mixture of complete and utter sadness, of heart-ache but also a feeling I am on my life path. It may not be easy but anything worth having is worth working hard for.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

{flatlays : my new hobby}

I love flatlays- staging photos with vintage and thrift store finds and mixing them with stuff I find at Hobby Lobby and Michael's. I'm going through a stage where my aesthetic is a subtle shabby chic, secret garden by the French cottage, victorian, romantic and feminine. I had fun making flatlays for my friends and wanted to share my friends and little tidbits on each one.


It's amazing the things you can find at your local thrift store! I love going to Sarah in Branford where all the proceeds go to an amazing cause AND the place is filled with nostalgia and hidden treasures. My mom and I use to rummage there all the time as a child, now I go and find beauty and use out of the old Potpourri book, or the parisian flower signs. I also got many of my craft papers, letters, flowers from Hobby Lobby.

Once I got everything laid out, I was off to work:


June is a beautiful month with flowers and carosuels and a summery, glittery magic in the air. I wanted a soft, feminine touch when I did this flatlay. I've always been obsessed with antique perfume bottles and cameos, I loved having classic items be juxtaposed against our new month - June.


Marlowe's was the first flatlay I did. She's a beautiful 7 year old and will be my niece-in-law! How exciting :) I wanted this to be girly but not too vintage-y. I wanted there to be a youthfulness to it - so I added the flowers and shot it in bright light. 


My friend Danielle's I did a little bit different, without the perfume bottles and Parisian touches. She has red hair and is a romantic person so I added flowers from one of my flower crowns, a heart shaped dish that says "in the right place" and a Polaroid I took of her for New Year's Eve. I like the touch of the photograph, it makes it look more modern than the other vintage-y ones.

I had a lot of fun doing Sarah's, I made it as frilly and feminine as I could. I think of her as a youthful spirit yet an old, kindred soul. I added a bunch of my costume jewelry and craft flowers. I liked the touch of Jane Austen. One of my craft papers is vintage handwriting, and one of the things written is "John"-the name of her brother and father. I didn't do that on purpose, but what a delightful coincidence.


Ali is such a fun spirit, so I wanted a lot of pops of bright color. I also added a journal she bought for me. I think it's the perfect touch.


I wish I spaced Nicole's name better but other than that, this is my favorite. It's exactly what I wanted to convey - books, flowers, a Parisian touch, jewelry, perfume bottles and cameos. Vintage looking and feminine.



Flat lays have been a fun hobby that is also a cheap hobby. It's fun to create beautiful things and take pictures and still have use for everything in the picture. I truly love having a creative outlet and was glad I found another one.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

{the heart & soul of a flower}




 {image: 100layercake}

 
I've looked at pictures of me from years ago, partying and I see someone lost. My twenties weren't easy. I've always had a racing heart that needed to be pacified. Of course, I've attributed this to the sudden loss of my father but I know there were other factors that were in play. I was very much still that little girl in her humid tiny room blocking out the screaming downstairs and making her own paper dolls or reading book after book to calm myself. After my father died, I didn't have a parental figure or a house that was a safe haven. I didn't have a home, just a yellow house. I didn't have a home when I was younger so I made homes out of the people I loved, no matter how toxic or mean they were. After all, it was better than being a fatherless 11 year old being so mad at her alcoholic stepfather and her mother, she threw all his ties into the grand oak tree and smashed the snow globe she bought at a Church sale for her mom. I had this racing heart, this sadness, this feeling of being lost for so, so long. Drinking and relationships numbed that until I realized I was repeating a pattern I saw growing up. I use to be so sad at how negative everyone looked at me, partying and showing off. Now I see why. I know my own heart and never meant any ill well. I know how I cried to myself one rainy night in Stony Creek thinking: I'm going to end this, tonight. But something stopped me. Something kept me going even in all my heartbreak. Today I was driving and felt a streak of sadness but I remembered that the slow life I always wanted, the home I always wanted, I have. It took time and patience to build, but I have built it and I'm happy and healthy. I have my flowers and books and stories I wrote on paper and in my head. I have a sense of calm I searched for so, so long. Life is not perfect and like the wildflower by the fence that I see it's pink bud cracked open, I know my story is still unfolding. Unfolding gently and quietly, remembering its wild roots but reaching for something better.