Wednesday, September 2, 2015

{Self} Reflections

        This morning, after making the first pot of coffee in the new house, I went outside. When I first looked at the house it was after I got out of work, tired, and it was still occupied. I got a general gist of it but I didn't notice all the details. It was hard for me in the coming weeks to realize this was going to be my new home. In my OCD mind, I started to panic. I liked the way things were. I liked living at my boyfriend's funky loft apartment (except on Saturday mornings when he'd blast Phish and I want to sleep in). We'd play music or watch Frasier and just had our little routine. Thinking about change made my heart and mind race constantly. I felt overwhelmed.

        When I was younger, moving wasn't an emotional thing. I'd just pack my stuff and go. Now, I was wracked with emotion that seemed to cripple me. I realize today, going outside, walking around and taking pictures of the ivy-covered swing set and the beautiful shed, that I have been selfish. I've delved into blogging and Instagram instead of focusing on my problems. I didn't stop to think what my boyfriend would want or like. In my mind, my stress and depression became such a focal point I had tunnel vision. It's not that because I'm a woman I have to be some indentured servant to him, no. It's that being a partner means walking side by side. Consideration goes along way. Every relationship has its arguments, every person has their faults. I know mine and I'm working on it.

        Just the other day before work, I had a panic attack and was crying so hard I was shaking. I was in bed before work just dreading the upcoming day. Everything seemed so bleak. Just two days later, sitting on a swing on the second day of September. I feel better. My mind feels at ease. I know the things I need to work on, the things I need to do. I know life isn't easy and it's best to work on problems instead of wishing them away. I sat on the swing and felt the cool breeze. I closed my eyes and dreamt that there were flowers and leaves and love letters on the ground to give to you. Instead I typed this, hoping each word becomes a sentence which becomes this one long winded way of saying I'm sorry, I'll do better and I love you. We got this.

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