I haven't been able to sleep tonight, and I barely did last night. That's the thing with my anxiety or atleast mine: when I'm not numbing it, it's the forefront of my mind, it's palpable, sheer anxiety and at times true terror. It's hard explaining it to people, how do you explain something in words when you feel that you can't even communicate truly how powerful something is?
A night like tonight reminds me of being in Mississippi, it seems like those two years I was alone, lonely, a stranger in a strange land. My friends and even anyone who's dated me knows the routine with my panic attacks: I need reassurance that I'll be okay. Am I dying? Am I drugged? Are you sure? How do you know? Are you sure? It's like a Courtney manual for my malfunctioning brain and no one in MS had that manual my anxiety was just met with frustration and even anger. Moving back, I felt connected to my "world" again. I felt in my comfort zone, and how awesome to step off a plane after 2 years of social isolation and feel back seeing your friends and spending all your time with someone? But what I realized this past year is being someone as social and lively as you... even more - is fun, a blast, but not what I or anyone needs. And I had the pedulum swing the other way and be with someone super laidback and tell myself "this is good for me, this is good, go with the flow, positive vibes." anything lacking must be in my head. And without a relationship, without that sort of stability regardless if it with fun but too intense and burn out too quick or fun but ultimately just not enough, I felt alone again with my thoughts. I hate being alone with my thoughts. It's not even a need for romance even, but a friend. Someone to reassure me. The summer I was always with friends, always out. Any ground I had made by saying I'm going to try and not numb my anxiety with alcohol really was taken back in a heartbeat. I actually hate being out in bars or even restaurants with my anxiety...it's not comfortable that's why I have a bud light in my hand because it makes it bearable, even fun.
The past couple of months I've been settling in, I don't feel this need to go out, I'm focusing on goals, and it feels good. All I ever wanted was reassurance. To be told I was okay. If I tell myself my mind doesn't believe me. But really, whether it's a relationship or going out with friends, numbing the pain with sedatives your doctor gives or a beer the bartender gives you, is not dealing, is not coping. I suppose I'm realizing that I will be okay. It'll be okay. We will all be okay, even if it's not okay, it somehow will. The key is believing yourself and what I do know is not even striving for okay anymore but good, even great. It's not found in a bar or anything really a doctor can give you. It's just faith even on a night like this I'm sitting typing a dear diary entry in facebook without any sort of anxiety medication, still breathing, still okay. And being okay alone with my thoughts.